Yoga Anyone?

If RA has taught me anything it is that life is a constant journey of discovery and that journey is full of highs and lows. One moment you are full of inspiration and on top of the world, the next discouraged, scared and pessimistic. That is exactly what happened after writing my last post...thinking I had this all figured out, only to discover after publishing that post, that 2 people on my blogroll of 20 had died from their diseases. I am no mathematician but even I know those are pretty scary odds for us. This stuff is real. Gitz and SuperB*^ch thanks for sharing your lives with me.
Something I have discovered lately is yoga. It really has helped me in so many ways. First, your body feels terrific after gently stretching and bringing warmth to all of your joints. It brings oxygen and energy to every part of your body. I really am feeling good and feeling stronger. Second, yoga is teaching me how to live in the present. Focusing on my breath and bringing all of my awareness to the present moment has made me realize how much of my time is spent worrying about the past or future. Live in the present, its the best place to be! Next, it provides a peaceful atmosphere where I am free to discover myself and let my thoughts flow freely. Yoga teaches respect for one another and honors a divine power/light in each of us. There are no feelings of competition or judging, it is just you and your mat. I am loving it and I challenge you to try it. There are some great free videos on the Yoga Today website. Start in your own home or find a studio with classes.
With the holidays upon us I am trying to stay grounded. Simplify, simplify, simplify! It is always a struggle for me to schedule only those things that are worthy of my time and to let the other "fluff" go. It is a tricky balance that comes with discovering your true and deepest intentions. Until I find that balance (hopefully one day)...I will enjoy this journey and be patient with myself. A happy holiday season to you all! Namaste

New Beginnings

Things are good. I have had some incredible things happening in my life lately that I must share. Sorry for neglecting my blog all summer. BUSY!!! I have missed many of my blogging friends and have been thinking of you. With the kids back in school and somewhat of a fall schedule settling in, I turned to my blog roll one afternoon. I now have two kids in school, 1 in preschool and 1 baby who is still napping at that same time which equals 4 hours of me time a week!!! Slowly but surely a new world is opening up to me. Anyhow, I came across a comment from 'Mommy with Rheumatoid Arthritis' where she suggested a book to me. It is called When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate. I ordered it immediately. It arrived on September 20 and I can't put it down. It is changing the way I look at everything in my life!
One thing I have always noticed when I meet others with RA is that they are the people whom I would have least expected live with chronic pain. They are happy and bubbly and seem to have everything under control. They don't complain. I've often wondered if a certain personality is prone to getting RA. My doctors have always asked about my family history but never wanted to know much about me as a person. I don't have any relatives with RA anywhere. One aunt did just pass from Scleroderma but that is it. It has always left me feeling like there is more to this disease than just unlucky genetics but I've never been able to find anything supporting these feelings...until now.
This book addresses insights into how disease can be the body's way of saying no when we cannot or will not and teaches steps to start healing. It has forced me look closely at my life and the dominating personalities in it. Who can I not say no to? What feelings am I constantly repressing? I've lived a life full of pleasing others...which is funny that I mentioned that in my last post. Everything in my life lately has been leading up to me receiving this book. I was being carefully prepared for this time.
It is amazing as I look back at my RA history... When my RA has flared up, without fail, they are times full of unimaginable stresses that I put upon myself and strong repressed feelings, usually of anger. They are times where I have perceived myself as having no control over anything in my life. It's as if I'm a pawn in a game, totally at the mercy of others. When I went into remission for 5 years it was when I moved away from all family, friends and anything familiar. I knew nobody and I thrived in that environment. It was a new beginning where I was in charge and living my life according to what I felt was best for me and my family.
This has been a very hard discovery because I have always seen my family and extended family as being good support and full of good advice. However, it is so obvious now that I've read this book, that so many times the things I do in a day are for them and not me. We once again live close by both families. Including all of our brothers and sisters...6 kids in my family and 6 kids in my husbands family! We all live within 20 minutes of each other! Why do I feel so dependent on them? It is not a coincidence (nothing in this life is) that the day I received this book in the mail was the day my parents left for a religious service mission to Sweden. They are gone for 18 months. I have been very nervous about them leaving. My mom and dad have been a huge help with my health. They have helped with my kids on days I just could not face alone. What would I do without them if my health was to take a bad turn? Could I really survive without them? YES I can and I will! This time is a gift for me to discover myself. Everything in my life has been for others and its time to find me and connect with my voice and find the courage to follow that voice.
I have been on fire with energy and clarity since reading this book. At the same time I am scared to death. It is hard to look at the very foundation of your life and have to question "Is this good for me?" Things like religion, family relationships, hobbies, goals, etc. are being examined and I feel empowered. I feel strong. It is no coincidence I just received an email informing me of a National Campaign that launched today called Managing RA: The Strong Woman's Approach. www.HealthyWomen.org/RA I feel like inspiration and knowledge is flowing freely to me right now and every direction I look, my questions are being answered! It is a new beginning for me and I can't wait to share my journey with you! God Bless!

Summer Update

We got a puppy! My husband caved and we became owners of a morkie puppy (Maltese and Yorkie mix) Her name is Bella. House training a puppy is hard but house training a puppy with giarrdia is IMPOSSIBLE! She is really starting to grow on me now but we had a rocky start. On top of that we had a really wet spring with lots of storms and changes in pressure going on. May was a rough month. I didn't feel that great. Bummer because I went into spring with such high hopes. My rheumatologist and I decided to add Sulfasalizine to my regimen in April. I was hoping that would be my magical medication since I did so well on it before. I haven't seen much improvement. My summer eating habits haven't helped either I'm sure. It is so hard to eat well with all of the kids home. I'm toying with the idea of going to see a nutritionist. Any thoughts? Her name is Ursula...should I be nervous?
Summer is in full swing and passing much too quickly. The kids have me going, going, going and I hardly have time to assess my condition. My hands, wrists and shoulders alternate in flares. Swimming has been wonderful and I have found some new aerobic and yoga classes that I LOVE. I do so much better when I stay active. Overall I feel that I am pulling off a great summer this year! As I watched fireworks this year on the 4th I had a flash back to last years fireworks...I could hardly pick myself off the ground afterward because I hurt so badly everywhere. I was filled with gratitude for my improvements and was motivated to keep fighting!
Life is good, not perfect by any means but good and I'll take that. I think the thing I struggle with most lately is reconnecting with myself. I feel like I have lost touch with who I am and what I enjoy doing. I think children have a lot to do with that. It has been a long time since I could make a decision based on what I would like to eat, watch, listen to, do, etc. Don't get me wrong, I would never change the fact that I am a mother. It's what I've always wanted to be. My children are my everything! They are making me into a better person. But what happens when they are grown and leave? Who am I then?
I am also realizing that I am a major people pleaser. I have always lived my life to please others, parents, teachers, friends, neighbors. It is hard for me to say "no" when that is what I really want to say. I make every decision with everybody else in mind and how this decision will effect them vs me. I can't even make a playlist on my ipod without thinking "what if so and so hears this? Would they approve?" When my husband and I go out to dinner I always say "Oh anything sounds good, I don't care, you choose." when in the back of my mind I always have somewhere I want to go. I know these are stupid little examples but they are bugging me lately. I have decided to make a list about things I truly like and enjoy. It has been harder than I thought. Wish me luck in my adventures of 'Finding Kelli'. Until then we'll take some advice from Finding Nemo and "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" Things always work themselves out, right?

Aunt Joyce

This is my Aunt Joyce who just recently passed away. She endured a LONG battle with scleroderma and fought with grace. It was so hard to watch her body wither away from this terrible disease. I know her body is free now and she is in a better place with no pain. She is the only relative close to me with an autoimmune disease. I felt a connection with her and I honor her today.
Of course this leaves me pondering on my own fate. Will I live to be 62? How many grandbabies will I be leaving prematurely? Will I be able to hold my grandbabies and be a part of their lives? Such questions and inquiries can leave you down and discouraged and I try to avoid them when possible. My visit to my rheumy today, along with a nice steroid shot in the knuckle, surfaced these questions and emotions in me. I come to my blog today trying to convince myself to focus on today and the beautiful things around me. I know this diagnosis is not the end and I can still enjoy life...right?
I am a religious person but initially didn't want to bring religion into this blog. However, I have been so uplifted by the scriptures and uplifting messages posted on others blogs. I find so much strength from you women who are choosing to stay positive and fight this fight. I don't know how anyone copes with something like RA without a bigger picture and higher power in mind. I recently heard an address on pain by Kent F. Richards who is a physician. He says "None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God. As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm."
In honoring my Aunt Joyce today I also want to honor each of you enduring RA, scleroderma, lupus, fibromyalgia, etc. Keep fighting! Keep living!

A New Discovery

Lots of change for 2011. I've never been good at change but I believe I'm getting better at accepting it and expecting it! Anyway, we've had a job change. My husband was a minority owner in a party plan company called Uppercase Living. It has been struggling for a few years and so he and my brother just bought out the other owners and are running it. It has been a huge change of pace for our family but many blessings are following. One unexpected perk was a recent trip to San Antonio for a leadership conference. I was able to go meet with the top leaders of our company and hear their stories. As I interacted with these women for a few days I made a new discovery about myself. I have become a good listener and I care, REALLY CARE, about what others are going through. I don't think I understood empathy before rheumatoid arthritis. I now know through my own RA what real pain, frustration, depression and hopelessness feels like and I care when others are experiencing similar feelings. Another discovery that I made is that every single person has their own "RA" in life. Even the most happy, perfectly put together person has something causing them pain physically, mentally or emotionally. If you take long enough to listen, really listen to someone, you will find that what that person is dealing with effects them in ways just as painful as our RA effects us. It is easy for us to judge and say that nobody will ever know what it feels like to have RA. I have outwardly looked at many peoples lives and wished for their problems instead of mine. However, I am realizing that RA is MY test in life. It has somehow been personally assigned and designed to teach me as no other disability, abuse, sickness, or trial can. It is part of my life and it is shaping me as a person. I have never had anything positive to say about RA. Thus, it was very refreshing to realize that maybe something good has come out of this disease and I am not letting it win.