I'm Fine...Really!

It has been a long time since the last blog session.  That is always a good sign for me.  When I feel good I'm busy out living life to its fullest but as soon as frustration or flares creep in... I'm back.  I'm actually coming off one of my best winters ever since having this disease...minimal flares,no steroid shots and no pneumonia like last year!  I thank my gluten free diet, juicer, Vitamix and change up in exercise for this wonderful year.  I am actually doing cross-fit classes at GPP.  Check out their website GPP Fitness  There have been many, MANY workouts I have finished and cried the whole way home because my body is doing things I was told I would probably never do again. I LOVE IT! I am gaining my confidence back and getting strong! I was feeling all good about myself when a few months ago my rheumatologist decided to check my hands with some xrays.  My xrays came back showing further damage occurring in my hands. Bummer! I was so surprised and have been on a mission ever since to try to convince my doctor that I'm fine and feel great!  She decided to draw some blood and run a fairly new test called the Vectra DA that would show us how active my disease is in my body.  It came back moderate to severe...WHAT THE?  I'm so confused.

So here I stand at a crossroads once again. Dr. Dames would like me to start on Enbrel right away and keep taking all of my other meds too.  Enbrel doubles the size of my ever growing list of possible side effects and I hate that!  I posed the argument to her that I am too young to take that chance of so many possible side effects because sooner or later I will get one of them...why not just live with RA and all the fun stuff that comes with that alone?  She argues back that because I am young I need to be proactive and do everything I can to avoid disfigured joints and disability. Awesome...one of those no win Jack Bauer 24 decisions huh?

Side note.  I argued with my rheumatologist!  That is a little victory in and of itself.  I actually stood up for what I was feeling and expressed frustration.  I've always just gone with what the doc says and vented to my husband and mom when I returned home.  I'm pretty darn pleased with myself. This is big people.

Back to my dilemma...I have 3 months and then I will retake the Vectra DA test.  My rheumatologist has increased my sulfasalizine dose to twice a day to see if that will help.  If results come back again in the high to moderate range I need to seriously consider getting on Enbrel.  If I was sore and hurting I would be all over this but I'm not.  I'm fine and actually feeling great: no morning stiffness whatsoever and full range of motion in all of my joints.  When big storms come in I do feel it in my shoulders...I hate those subtle reminders that yes I am sick and have a chronic disease that won't go away. Not to mention every Tuesday I get a reminder in the form of nausea from my methotrexate injection.  That stuff still makes me so sick.  I swear my body is trying to tell me "this stuff is bad...please don't put this in me!"

Plan of action: There is a man who lives by me who is controlling his RA by diet and herbs alone.  He swears by this tea concoction that he found and is convinced that first I must heal my gut lining and then this tea will eliminate all of the harmful inflammation in my body.  Heck what do I have to lose?  I'm pretty curious and excited to give it a go.  As I read through all of this info he has given me I will share this new part of my journey.  November 2013 marked my 10 year mark with this disease. My RA truly has been a journey...a journey of physical, spiritual and mental health, a journey of self discovery and reflection and a journey of appreciation and gratitude for the beautiful things in my life. I am happy and content with where I am in life...If only my body would get the memo that I am FINE!

New Beginnings

Things are good. I have had some incredible things happening in my life lately that I must share. Sorry for neglecting my blog all summer. BUSY!!! I have missed many of my blogging friends and have been thinking of you. With the kids back in school and somewhat of a fall schedule settling in, I turned to my blog roll one afternoon. I now have two kids in school, 1 in preschool and 1 baby who is still napping at that same time which equals 4 hours of me time a week!!! Slowly but surely a new world is opening up to me. Anyhow, I came across a comment from 'Mommy with Rheumatoid Arthritis' where she suggested a book to me. It is called When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate. I ordered it immediately. It arrived on September 20 and I can't put it down. It is changing the way I look at everything in my life!
One thing I have always noticed when I meet others with RA is that they are the people whom I would have least expected live with chronic pain. They are happy and bubbly and seem to have everything under control. They don't complain. I've often wondered if a certain personality is prone to getting RA. My doctors have always asked about my family history but never wanted to know much about me as a person. I don't have any relatives with RA anywhere. One aunt did just pass from Scleroderma but that is it. It has always left me feeling like there is more to this disease than just unlucky genetics but I've never been able to find anything supporting these feelings...until now.
This book addresses insights into how disease can be the body's way of saying no when we cannot or will not and teaches steps to start healing. It has forced me look closely at my life and the dominating personalities in it. Who can I not say no to? What feelings am I constantly repressing? I've lived a life full of pleasing others...which is funny that I mentioned that in my last post. Everything in my life lately has been leading up to me receiving this book. I was being carefully prepared for this time.
It is amazing as I look back at my RA history... When my RA has flared up, without fail, they are times full of unimaginable stresses that I put upon myself and strong repressed feelings, usually of anger. They are times where I have perceived myself as having no control over anything in my life. It's as if I'm a pawn in a game, totally at the mercy of others. When I went into remission for 5 years it was when I moved away from all family, friends and anything familiar. I knew nobody and I thrived in that environment. It was a new beginning where I was in charge and living my life according to what I felt was best for me and my family.
This has been a very hard discovery because I have always seen my family and extended family as being good support and full of good advice. However, it is so obvious now that I've read this book, that so many times the things I do in a day are for them and not me. We once again live close by both families. Including all of our brothers and sisters...6 kids in my family and 6 kids in my husbands family! We all live within 20 minutes of each other! Why do I feel so dependent on them? It is not a coincidence (nothing in this life is) that the day I received this book in the mail was the day my parents left for a religious service mission to Sweden. They are gone for 18 months. I have been very nervous about them leaving. My mom and dad have been a huge help with my health. They have helped with my kids on days I just could not face alone. What would I do without them if my health was to take a bad turn? Could I really survive without them? YES I can and I will! This time is a gift for me to discover myself. Everything in my life has been for others and its time to find me and connect with my voice and find the courage to follow that voice.
I have been on fire with energy and clarity since reading this book. At the same time I am scared to death. It is hard to look at the very foundation of your life and have to question "Is this good for me?" Things like religion, family relationships, hobbies, goals, etc. are being examined and I feel empowered. I feel strong. It is no coincidence I just received an email informing me of a National Campaign that launched today called Managing RA: The Strong Woman's Approach. www.HealthyWomen.org/RA I feel like inspiration and knowledge is flowing freely to me right now and every direction I look, my questions are being answered! It is a new beginning for me and I can't wait to share my journey with you! God Bless!

Summer Update

We got a puppy! My husband caved and we became owners of a morkie puppy (Maltese and Yorkie mix) Her name is Bella. House training a puppy is hard but house training a puppy with giarrdia is IMPOSSIBLE! She is really starting to grow on me now but we had a rocky start. On top of that we had a really wet spring with lots of storms and changes in pressure going on. May was a rough month. I didn't feel that great. Bummer because I went into spring with such high hopes. My rheumatologist and I decided to add Sulfasalizine to my regimen in April. I was hoping that would be my magical medication since I did so well on it before. I haven't seen much improvement. My summer eating habits haven't helped either I'm sure. It is so hard to eat well with all of the kids home. I'm toying with the idea of going to see a nutritionist. Any thoughts? Her name is Ursula...should I be nervous?
Summer is in full swing and passing much too quickly. The kids have me going, going, going and I hardly have time to assess my condition. My hands, wrists and shoulders alternate in flares. Swimming has been wonderful and I have found some new aerobic and yoga classes that I LOVE. I do so much better when I stay active. Overall I feel that I am pulling off a great summer this year! As I watched fireworks this year on the 4th I had a flash back to last years fireworks...I could hardly pick myself off the ground afterward because I hurt so badly everywhere. I was filled with gratitude for my improvements and was motivated to keep fighting!
Life is good, not perfect by any means but good and I'll take that. I think the thing I struggle with most lately is reconnecting with myself. I feel like I have lost touch with who I am and what I enjoy doing. I think children have a lot to do with that. It has been a long time since I could make a decision based on what I would like to eat, watch, listen to, do, etc. Don't get me wrong, I would never change the fact that I am a mother. It's what I've always wanted to be. My children are my everything! They are making me into a better person. But what happens when they are grown and leave? Who am I then?
I am also realizing that I am a major people pleaser. I have always lived my life to please others, parents, teachers, friends, neighbors. It is hard for me to say "no" when that is what I really want to say. I make every decision with everybody else in mind and how this decision will effect them vs me. I can't even make a playlist on my ipod without thinking "what if so and so hears this? Would they approve?" When my husband and I go out to dinner I always say "Oh anything sounds good, I don't care, you choose." when in the back of my mind I always have somewhere I want to go. I know these are stupid little examples but they are bugging me lately. I have decided to make a list about things I truly like and enjoy. It has been harder than I thought. Wish me luck in my adventures of 'Finding Kelli'. Until then we'll take some advice from Finding Nemo and "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" Things always work themselves out, right?

A New Discovery

Lots of change for 2011. I've never been good at change but I believe I'm getting better at accepting it and expecting it! Anyway, we've had a job change. My husband was a minority owner in a party plan company called Uppercase Living. It has been struggling for a few years and so he and my brother just bought out the other owners and are running it. It has been a huge change of pace for our family but many blessings are following. One unexpected perk was a recent trip to San Antonio for a leadership conference. I was able to go meet with the top leaders of our company and hear their stories. As I interacted with these women for a few days I made a new discovery about myself. I have become a good listener and I care, REALLY CARE, about what others are going through. I don't think I understood empathy before rheumatoid arthritis. I now know through my own RA what real pain, frustration, depression and hopelessness feels like and I care when others are experiencing similar feelings. Another discovery that I made is that every single person has their own "RA" in life. Even the most happy, perfectly put together person has something causing them pain physically, mentally or emotionally. If you take long enough to listen, really listen to someone, you will find that what that person is dealing with effects them in ways just as painful as our RA effects us. It is easy for us to judge and say that nobody will ever know what it feels like to have RA. I have outwardly looked at many peoples lives and wished for their problems instead of mine. However, I am realizing that RA is MY test in life. It has somehow been personally assigned and designed to teach me as no other disability, abuse, sickness, or trial can. It is part of my life and it is shaping me as a person. I have never had anything positive to say about RA. Thus, it was very refreshing to realize that maybe something good has come out of this disease and I am not letting it win.